Childlessness. About one in six couples remains involuntarily childless. When it turns out that your desire to have children will not be fulfilled, a period of mourning often begins. Perhaps you have already come a long way with treatments or perhaps there were no suitable options for you at all. When the hope of a pregnancy has faded, a new reality presents itself. Because how do you deal with this? How do you organize your life, now that this desire for children remains unfulfilled? Many people who are confronted with involuntary childlessness also go through the different phases of mourning: denial, anger, negotiation, depression, acceptance.
If you are a Christian and the Bible is the guideline for your life, then of course questions from the Christian faith also come into play and this can influence your own faith. How do you deal with involuntary childlessness if you are a Christian. After all, we also read a lot in the Bible about the blessing of children, a family.
Many Christians are also confronted with questions of faith: why them and not us, should we pray more or differently? Have we done something wrong? Furthermore, there may be questions about medical procedures: how far can we go? What is God's will, what do you leave to God and what do you have control over yourself? Questions arise about value and meaning: for whom do you do it all, if you cannot pass anything on? How can you lead a meaningful life if you would have preferred to become a father or mother? Many couples experience that childlessness is also a loss of status.
Unwanted childlessness, not becoming pregnant is often a silent sorrow that can have an enormous impact on all aspects of life. The desire to have children is a very natural desire. Many Christians see having children as a given, and only start thinking about it when it does not work out or does not work out easily. Whether or not to have children is fundamental to the further fulfillment of daily life and affects everything. In addition, it is an intimate subject that people do not quickly talk about or do not know what to do with. When couples are confronted with the absence of children, they end up on a rollercoaster of feelings, emotions and questions.
We are Hans & Leida Borghuis, we have been married for over 20 years and have remained (unintentionally) childless. We have had tests and explored the possibilities of starting a medical process, but ultimately decided not to do so. We then looked into the possibilities for adoption and did the adoption course, but ultimately decided not to adopt. Finally, we have investigated the possibilities and different forms of foster care, but have not done anything with this either so far.
In our immediate environment we (fortunately) have several couples who have also remained unintentionally childless. It is good to be able to talk to others who are going through the same thing as yourself. To help, encourage, comfort and look ahead to each other. What we have mainly discovered over the years: Without children, your life is absolutely no less valuable!
Childlessness plays a role in every phase of your life and largely determines the course of your life. When children do not come, this can raise major questions. Because how do you fill your life and how do you deal with the pain and sorrow that you have to deal with time and again? You see people around you having children, becoming parents or your sister or brother having children and can start a family, but you don't. How do you deal with the lack of understanding that you can sometimes experience from your environment and with your own discomfort? Questions and concerns about the future can also play a role. What does life look like when you get older and have no children to care for you or look after you?
We would like to get in touch with (Christian) couples who are involuntarily childless. We would like to hear your story and also like to share from our own experiences and how childlessness has affected our lives. We are very curious about how you deal with this and what you encounter. We would like to learn from you and also like to give our tips and advice; always from the Bible, we are convinced Christians, followers of Jesus and this forms the basis and foundation of our lives.
We are available for lectures or presentations about childlessness in churches, for associations, at organizations, during conferences or events. Would you like to invite us for a lecture or presentation about childlessness? We provide this from our own experience and from the experience we have and the stories we hear from many couples who are also involuntarily childless.
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Interview Magazine OnderWeg - Pain point childlessness
Hans and Leida Borghuis did not have children and that was not a conscious choice, Hans says of his own accord. ‘The children did not come naturally. After a few tests, we decided not to go deeply into the medical circuit. That is why we now live together. On the one hand, I am at peace with that, we have found a way to give meaning to our lives. It was a conscious choice to take intensive care of my parents, which is a lot easier without children. In addition: I do not have a 9-to-5 job, I work more hours than I am paid for, but that is also possible. It has become a way of life. Leida does volunteer work, with people on the fringes of society and we travel a lot for our work.’
However, there is also a downside to being childless. ‘It remains a sore point for the rest of our lives that you keep running into in the different phases of life. Friends of the same age have children who go to school or become teenagers – all phases that we do not experience. With friends, we see that the children are around them when they are at home. That seems to me, apart from the fact that it may be tough sometimes, quite pleasant. I sometimes miss that pleasantness. Now that we can no longer be there for my parents, they have passed away, and there are no children at home to take care of, that is more difficult to digest.
I once attended a funeral where a surviving relative had lost his father, but had also recently become a grandfather. He said that his father had passed away, but that he had gained a grandchild. The cycle of life continues, was the gist. I understood that, but I miss that last part because I do not have children.’
For me, the naturalness with which you walk through life has disappeared. Logically, you can't know what it's like to be childless without having experienced it yourself. I have discovered that you can choose to put yourself in someone else's shoes. Just ask those questions: what is it like to be single, burnt out, childless? If you find that difficult, just say so. People sometimes tell us that they find it difficult to talk about our childlessness, but then I think: if you don't ask questions, you'll never know how difficult it is. Just open it up, immerse yourself in someone else's life. I consciously try to do that myself. I think sincerity is important in that, that you come back to it when someone tells you something in confidence. And yes, if someone does lead a home-tree-pet existence with the associated standards, I have to go that extra mile to put myself in their shoes.'